But You Are Not Alone In This

With yet another snow day, and lots of time to think, I keep having the same question run through my mind.  Where does God fit into this plan for healing?  My faith is extremely important to me, and I think I felt almost guilty that I was presenting this plan like I believed I would be the one to heal myself.  That's not actually what I think at all.  For months I've felt like this is the direction I should take, but I don't think I would've come to that conclusion alone.  It's taken years of prayer, pain, doubt, and deliverance to bring me to where I am now.

I think it's human nature to wonder why things happen the way they do.  And often, we especially question when struggles or trials occur in our life.  If you've dealt with illness, pain, or suffering...or you've had to endure the agony of watching a loved one go through it, you know those questions are very real.  And it can leave you feeling alone, trapped, hopeless, scared, and abandoned.

Why am I going through this?  And why does it seem like there's no hope?  No possible way out?  

I've felt this countless times in my own life and those close to me.  It leaves me feeling defeated.  I remember nights when I was in so much pain, and I prayed to God to take this all away.  I've prayed for friends or family members who needed healing or that rescue from their circumstances.  And every time, the answered prayer comes back very differently from what I imagined.  Prayer isn't magic.  It doesn't work immediately, or in our frame of time.  And it isn't an automatic bargaining chip.  We can't promise God we will change or "do better" and he will give us our desires in that moment.  

But prayer brings me to my knees and reminds me that I can't do this alone.  And I don't have to.  I was never meant to go through this life on my own.  I always think of the song "Timshel" by Mumford & Sons...  

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

I'm never alone, because God is there with me, and he's also put people in my life who lift me up when I'm weak.  They brush me off and help me start over again.  I don't have to be strong in my own strength.  I have the strength of God within me and the support of those around me.  

But I also love the last line of this song, because I think it's the other point that can sometimes be missed or neglected.

But I can't move the mountains for you

I believe in the power of prayer, and I know that I need the help of others, but ultimately I have to take the steps to move forward.  I have to make decisions and act, knowing that I have support systems there to guide me and pick me up when I fall.  But this is still my life to live.  I can't wait around, hoping something happens to me.  And I can't make excuses and wallow in my self-pity.  It reminds me of a story I heard once about a man who was caught in a flood and trapped on the roof of his house.  I don't know the exact story, but it went something like this:

The man sat stranded for days, calling out to God.  Multiple times, people came by in row boats and offered him a ride to safety, but each time he replied, "No, thank you.  God will save me".  Then when he prayed to God he asked, "Lord, why didn't you save me?  Why did you leave me here alone?"  God answered, "I did try to save you.  You turned each row boat away.  All you had to do was step in."

So that's where I now find myself.  God has provided an option of healing, and I'm taking that step.  I'm not saying I can do it alone.  And I'm not saying I have the power of healing.  But I do believe it's within my power to make choices that are best for my body, mind, and spirit.  

Today was a day of reminder for me.  I made it to the gym (thanks to my husband's SUV and mad driving skills in the snow!) and I felt pretty terrible.  I left the workout at one point until the cramping and pain calmed down some.  And I had that same familiar question...  

Why?

I don't know why some days are better than others.  But I do know that's the first bad day I've had in a week.  It's an improvement, and it gives me hope.  And I still managed to get a pretty decent workout.  It may not have been my 100% best, but it's better than nothing at all.  I'll take it.  And I'll remain hopeful knowing that tomorrow might be even better.