Until There's a Cure

Phew, it’s been a long time since I’ve added to this blog.  I’ve been busy!  But I realized I couldn’t stay silent.  It’s March, which means it’s Endometriosis Awareness Month.  That also means another year has gone by where there is no cure.  Where doctors still don’t properly know how to treat it, and the ones that do are expensive or not available within driving distance.  For me, I’m still struggling to find a new doctor.  My previous ob/gyn, whom I absolutely loved, informed me that her office no longer accepts my insurance.  I can’t afford care out-of-pocket.  And I know so many other women are in the same situation and suffering day in and day out.  If I’m going to see a new doctor, I want them to be knowledgeable and experienced enough to give me proper care.  Because I’ve spent too many years being prescribed “remedies” that brought more problems than a solution.

I found that changing my diet was a short-lived solution.  For a few months my pain decreased, but then it slowly started coming back.  I tried adding foods back in and taking them away again to pinpoint what works best for my body.  I’ve found that I definitely need to steer clear of red meat and soy.  I also have to make sure I get plenty of fruits and vegetables (which is true for everyone!) and I also try to limit alcohol.  I love you, wine, but I can’t enjoy you as often as I would like. 

One thing that has seemed to work well is slow, controlled workouts with heavy lifting.  Powerlifting has been my saving grace.  I love a good sweat session, but high intensity workouts often leave me struggling in pain.  There are many days that I have to take a break or even avoid them all together, which is unbelievably frustrating.  I want to do more than my body will let me sometimes.  But I’ve also learned that I’m mentally stronger than I am physically, and sometimes I can push through and tell my body to shut the hell up.  With powerlifting, I’ve found that most days I feel well and can get through the entire workout (sometimes 2 or 3 hours!) without any pain.  It’s also an incredible stress reliever, which is another aspect of endometriosis.  More stress = more pain.  When I get under that squat bar or pull a heavy deadlift, I get to release some of that stress and regain some control over my life.        

I hope that women with endometriosis continue to advocate for themselves, their sisters, aunts, mothers, daughters…and that one day we don’t even have to talk about this anymore.  But until then, may we find ways to treat our bodies well and do the best we can until modern medicine can do more. 

If you need information for you or a loved one, this organization is one of the best (although still limited).  And I’m here if I can be of any help. 

Newsflash: It's Not All About Me

I was so hopeful when I started this blog.  But lately that hope is dwindling.  It’s in those moments of frustration that I realize I need to change my perspective.  And this week has been perfect for truly understanding that fact.  The reality is…life isn’t all about me.  I need to look outside myself and realize that even though I might be struggling, I still have so much to be thankful for, and there are other people in my life who need my focus and support.  Sometimes I need a life lesson as a not-so-gentle reminder.

Just a few days ago, I woke up at 3am with excruciating pain in my abdomen, lower back, and legs.  I’ve experienced intense pain before, but this was out of this world.  It went on for hours.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I couldn’t catch my breath.  My body wouldn’t stop shaking.  Eventually I even vomited.  I knew something was truly wrong.  I told my husband, and we immediately headed to the emergency room.

I was in so much pain while lying there that my legs would not stop shaking.  Everyone kept asking if I was cold.  I wasn’t.  I just couldn’t get my body under control.  Tears kept flowing because I didn’t know what else to do.  Did my appendix burst?  Was it a kidney stone?  And the doctors and nurses just kept asking more questions that I struggled to answer through the pain.  Eventually, they gave me a morphine drip, and I swear I wanted to hug that nurse.  She was my angel from heaven.  I started to relax, and then I felt like I was floating.  At one point, my mouth even went numb, and all I could think of was that song by The Weeknd:

“I can’t feel my face when I’m with you…

But I love it…

But I love it…”

I started laughing in that moment, and that’s when I knew I was going to be fine.  The darkest part had passed.  The doctor finally came in to let me know the results.  After a pelvic exam, ultrasound, and blood work, they determined I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured, and I had some internal bleeding that would eventually go away.  Thankfully, there was no damage to my ovary.  My job now was to go home, take ibuprofen and pain meds, get lots of rest, and lay low until I felt 100% better. 

Steve had to go to work, so a sweet friend picked me up and drove me home.  I was so thankful in that moment for so many things.

1. There is nothing seriously wrong with me.  Sure it hurt.  Sure it was scary.  But I left knowing that my body is going to recover on its own, and there is no permanent damage.
2. My husband is the strongest support system I could ask for.  He’s there in sickness and in health, just like we promised each other. 
3. I have incredible friends that function like family.  I love that with one phone call, someone is right there, no questions asked.  With friends like that, I’m a rich woman.

My other realization this week (since I’ve had a lot of time to think) is that I want to be there more purposefully for people in my life.  I have many close friends who are going through a lot.  Losing a loved one, moving to a new city, having a new baby, dealing with the aftermath of Charlottesville and the pain of racism and discrimination.  It’s enough sometimes to make me feel overwhelmed, or even hopeless.  But it’s also a reminder that none of us can get through this life alone.  The best thing we can do is be there for each other.  That might look different for each person, but offering that support can be what gets us through, day by day.  So I want to look for more ways to intentionally support and lift up the people in my life.  Just like that friend who picked me up (literally) when I needed it, I want to be there in return. 

After all, this life is so much bigger than little old me. 

You Can't Always Get What You Want

This week has been hard.  And this post is one I've been trying to avoid.  But I was moved to action today by a total stranger on Instagram.  She messaged me asking about endometriosis and how I've improved my symptoms and manage my pain.  It was great to connect with someone else who understands this disease, and I felt like I could actually be of some help.  That's why I started this blog in the first place.  And it's the reason I take stupid pictures of my food and post them.  I'm not a culinary genius.  But I do build meals based on the endometriosis diet and my fitness goals.  If that helps to heal my body, and in turn helps someone else do the same, then it's all worth it.  Even the ridicule of being "that girl" who posts her food.

But the main reason I've avoided posting was this past Sunday.  

Mother's Day.  

A day that knocks the wind out of me.  

It's a struggle for two reasons...  

1.  I miss my own mom.  I hate that we live 10 hours away from each other and we have to make grand plans to see each other.  There are so many times I wish I could just pop over to her house, sit down with a cup of tea, and talk through life with her.  I wish we could meet for lunch, or go shopping, or go to church together.  I envy people who live so close to their families.  But I will say, it makes us cherish the time we do get to spend together, and it makes it more special.  My mom and dad will be here in June and I can't wait!

2.  I wish I was a mom.  It breaks my heart every day.  Heartache is not only an emotion, but a physical manifestation that wells in my throat and feels like it might choke me.  And on days like Mother's Day, it takes all my willpower just to get through the mundane routine of a day.  I have so many amazing mothers in my life that surround me daily, and I just want to be part of that.  I don't hate you for being a mother.  I don't mind your stories about your kids.  I love kids.  And I love the love you have for them.  I just so desperately want to have that as well.  So on Mother's Day, I grow quiet, and I take care of myself.  I stay busy.  I stay off social media.  I spend time in nature.  I pray and thank God for everything that I do have in my life, and I also pray that I will be patient as I wait for the right time for me to be a mother.  Because I know it will happen.  It's just not in my power to decide when.  

So after I made it through Sunday, I was super excited for Team Week in Jungle Gym.  And Monday's workout included none other than...tire flips!!  But for whatever reason, my body did not cooperate during that workout.  I was cramping and in pain almost the entire time, and I struggled through every rep.  Thank goodness for my partner, who was incredibly patient with me and kept me going.  I managed to keep working up until the buzzer, and I was proud that I at least kept moving and didn't give up.  But I left feeling pretty frustrated and even apologized to my partner for failing her that day.  Yesterday I felt great during the workout and figured I was in the clear for the rest of this week.  But then last night, I woke up in the middle of the night with pain and cramping, which has lasted most of the day.  I decided to forego Jungle Gym and do yoga at home instead.  It definitely helped me feel a little better, and I'm hoping I will get a good night's rest.

What I can't figure out is, what makes certain days different?  Why do I feel amazing and unstoppable some days, but then others leave me feeling like I've been beaten to a pulp.  It's one of the most frustrating aspects of this disease.  It's cyclical, so I know that some days and weeks will be tougher than others, but then there are random days as well when I get hit with a flare up of pain.  I will never, ever understand it.

Instead, I try to get through it as best I can, so here are my top pain management tips:

1.  Stick to my diet.  

It's not easy, but it helps so much.  And I can tell when I'm too lenient.  That's when I need to reign it back in and cut out things like alcohol or sweets that I sometimes allow myself "as a treat".  It's a slippery slope, and I have to be careful.

2.  Manage my stress.

Stress negatively effects the body, and for someone like me, it really does a number.  I have to compartmentalize my work and remind myself that it will all get done, even when it feels overwhelming.  Staying organized definitely helps with this.

3.  Use home remedies.

Hot baths, a heating pad, yoga, stretching, massage oil, and rest all help immensely, especially when I have a bad flare up.  I reserve pain medication as a last resort when nothing else works.  Thankfully, I only need it once every month or two.

4.  Listen to my body.

After almost 13 years, I know now when to push through and when to pull back.  My body knows how much pain it can handle.  Sometimes during a workout or a tough day at work, I know that just breathing and going slower will get me through it.  Other times, I need to call it quits, head home, and try some of the techniques above.  It just depends on the day and the severity, but my body communicates loud and clear.  

5.  Use the power of the pups.

My two dogs have magical healing powers.  They always know when I don't feel well, and their snuggles can get me through anything.  They're also obsessed with yoga.  Downward Dog, anyone??  

But What if I Could? - My First Spartan Race

"Set your sights high.  The higher the better.  Expect the most wonderful things to happen." ~ Eileen Caddy

I decided back in October that I wanted to commit to running a Spartan race.  Many of my friends and my husband had completed various Spartans, and I always sat back wondering "What if?".  What if I tried to get out there and do it?  Would I make it through?  Would I be able to finish?  Would I fail every obstacle?  Would my pain keep me from even competing?  I had so many questions, but the biggest was...

 What if I COULD do it?

I decided I was tired of my goals taking a backseat to my pain.  Endometriosis freaking sucks.  There's no way around that.  For years, it kept me from doing what I truly wanted to do.  I had to cancel plans or cut workouts short.  I had to miss out on time with family and friends.  I had to dial back my goals and keep them modest for fear of what might happen if I had a major flare up.  Close friends, my husband, and my trainer had witnessed what it looked like when my body took over.  I would cramp up to the point that I couldn't breathe.  And I worried about that happening during something like a Spartan.  But I decided I didn't want that to be an excuse anymore.  If I trained and prepared, perhaps I could convince my body to cooperate, at least for the day.  That was my goal anyway.

ROC Training over the past 6 months has been a grueling challenge week after week.  I learned how to jump over walls, low crawl under "barbed wire", carry logs and heavy buckets, climb ropes (well, almost!), throw a spear, pull a hoist, bear crawl up hills, and run and sprint until I felt like my legs might fall off or my lungs might give out.  It was definitely a different challenge from Jungle Gym.  I also got used to getting wet, cold, dirty, and bruised.  

All that led to this weekend and a trip to Charlotte for my first Spartan Sprint.  I was beyond excited, mostly because I felt prepared, and my diet has definitely helped me to feel much better in the past few months.  Now was as good a time as any to conquer this goal.  And I was surrounded by AMAZING people who helped me feel supported, determined, and strong.  

After a hilarious night of cooking "breakfast for dinner" for 13 people in our big rental house, I felt like I barely slept Friday night.  I was so anxious and excited that I never fully relaxed.  But I rested as best I could, and by 5:00am, I was up and ready to roll.  We piled into vehicles and got to see the sunrise as we drove to "the farm" for our race.  And Lord did it smell like one!  

We headed towards registration and realized just how COLD it was outside.  Much, much colder than we expected.  But the weather forecast promised warmer temperatures, so we kept moving as best we could to keep warm while we waited for our start time.  We stretched, we jogged, we danced, we huddled.  And just as we lined up in our corral, the sun broke through and we could finally feel some warmth.  I was surrounded by my team, I felt great, the sun was shining, and I couldn't stop smiling.  With a chant of "AROO! AROO! AROO!" we were off!

The terrain starting out was riddled with divots and hoof prints, and I realized right away that EVERYONE was passing me.  I'm not a fast runner, so this was no surprise, but it did deflate my spirits a little.  But my husband kept checking back to make sure I was still on the move, and we soon reached our first obstacle.  Wall after wall after wall to get over.  And I crushed ALL of them!  But soon what I feared happening started to come true.  My stomach, lower back, hips, and thighs cramped up and I struggled to move or catch my breath.  The pack in front of us moved further and further ahead, and I made the mistake of looking behind me.  There was literally no one there.  I was the last person in our heat.  Dead. Last.  But I held true to my training and told myself, "Just keep moving.  You will get through this.  You will start to feel better.  And you've got a long way to go.  JUST. KEEP. MOVING."

By the time I reached the inverted wall, my breath was starting to stabilize and my body was loosening up.  Steve gave me great instructions on what to do to get over the wall, and to my surprise, I made it up and over easily!  By that point I was pumped!  I knew the race could only get better as my body returned to normal and I could truly give it my all.

I started climbing the cargo net and one of my ROC coaches reminded me, "This is your race, Crystal.  Run YOUR race."  I didn't need to worry if I was at the back of the pack.  This was my goal.  And I knew at that point I would make it through.  I just had to keep going and not quit.  And I soon rejoined our group and found I wasn't as far behind as I thought I was.  My spirits were high and I was ready to go!

I was able to make it across part of the Olympus, which made me pretty happy since I had only tried that once in training.  I also made it through half of the rings, which I never could've done a few months ago.  The bucket carry, sandbag carry, atlas carry, hoist, and plate drag were all incredibly easy thanks to all the heavy carries and pulls we do in Jungle Gym.  I was so thankful in those moments for my trainer and all the crazy stuff he makes us do!

What I wasn't prepared for?  Frigid water and pure, unadulterated MUD.  Not even mud.  Cow shit.  Straight up poop soup.  I think the pictures here say it all...

We followed this up by literally sitting in the mini "river" and taking a quick bath together.  Six grown adults, splish splashing our cares away.  It felt like a scene from The Hunger Games, without any fear of killing, of course.  It was probably one of my favorite moments.

We took off running again and towards the end, I was met with a fate of many burpees.  I didn't do the rope, which I had already planned on skipping, and I missed my spear throw.  The rope has given me a lot of trouble during training, and due to the muddy race conditions, I knew today was not the day.  I did my burpees instead and got to witness one of my teammates, Katie, rock her rope!  I'll continue to practice this obstacle for sure.

We had one more stretch to run, and by this point my calves were cramping like crazy.  But I knew the best thing to do was to keep moving, so slow and steady was the name of the game.  We came to the A-Frame cargo net, and my heart immediately had a panic moment.  I don't do well with heights, and I knew this was going to be tough for me.  I climbed up as quick as I could while still remaining steady, and when I almost reached the top, the woman in front of me just stopped!  There I was, with her butt in my face, and I couldn't go anywhere.  She just kept sitting and wouldn't move, so I looked at Steve to keep my focus.  I knew if I looked down, I would start to freak out.  She finally started her descent, and I was able to transition to the other side.  I made it down without a problem, which was a huge feat for me.  I was just so ready at that point to finish!  

Our final obstacle was the monkey bars, which were super difficult.  I watched many strong men fail them over and over.  The bars were especially fat, and the heights changed as you moved through.  I tried to swing for the second bar and missed, so off to do more burpees I went.  

Our group of six was finally finished and ready to jump over the fire!  This was one of my other favorite moments.  Cheryl, Katie, Leah, CJ, and Steve - y'all definitely got me through.  I'm so glad I had you all there to cheer me on, and it was awesome to see so many of your strong and fierce moments.  That's pure joy on my face right there as we crossed that finish line!

As I reflected on the day, it took awhile for it to truly sink in.  I just DID THAT.  I ran 4.9 miles and completed 20+ obstacles.  I fought through pain and fatigue.  I overcame a near mental crumble.  I witnessed my friends and husband repeatedly crushing their obstacles.  I accomplished the goal I set months before.  The goal that at this time last year seemed nearly impossible.  

Now the question is...did I catch "the itch"?  I've heard that once you do a Spartan, you're "hooked".  I'll be honest.  I wouldn't go that far.  I'm extremely proud that I finished and so glad I accomplished my goal.  This was definitely a bucket list moment.  But do I feel the sudden urge to do another?  If I'm being perfectly honest...no.  I'm quite content to be free of the mud and the cold as I sit here warm and comfy typing this.  I also woke up today feeling like I got hit by a bus.  My body aches, my legs are sore, my arms and knees are bruised, and I'm all around just tired.  It was awesome, but I think this will probably be a once-a-year-kinda-thing for me. (*wink, wink)  But I will continue to train, because each day brings the chance to improve and move one step further towards NEW goals.  My goal now is to get stronger with my upper body so that obstacles like the ring, the rope, or the monkey bars aren't a struggle.  Because we're never too old to set a new goal...  

Whether a Shout or a Whisper

This body has been my home for almost 33 years, and I'm still left puzzled as to what it's trying to tell me.  Sometimes I'm just downright confused.  But I am learning more and more that there are times to push and do more, and there are times to rest and recover.  Sometimes my mind and my heart have the best intentions, but my body is adamant that it's not a good idea.  I try to ignore it, which usually leaves me in even more pain, and I walk away frustrated.  In the past year, I've learned to see the warning signs and scale back.  This allows me to still move my body, keep my mobility, burn some calories, clear my head, and continue my progress without doing any damage; physically, mentally, or emotionally.

I started feeling really rundown on Friday afternoon.  I was having some stomach issues and I felt like I could sleep for days.  I decided not to go to the gym, and instead I finally finished Gilmore Girls (Good Lord, that was the longest show ever!) and I went to bed early.  Saturday I woke up feeling better, but not quite 100%.  I headed to Gorilla Stomp, which is usually one of my favorite classes throughout the week at Jungle Gym.  All of the stretching and mobility feels amazing, and we usually get in a good sweat that allows us to leave feeling better than when we came in.  This week's workout though was brutal for me, and I had to leave at one point because I was in pain and felt like I might be sick.  I haven't felt that way for awhile, so it kind of caught me off guard.  We did high reps of wall kicks, push ups, jumping step ups, arm blasters, Bulgarian split squats, and "face melters".  They all are equally as bad as they sound.  Trust me.  And doing 50, 75, or 150 of them is just torture.  I left feeling frustrated, which is not how I usually leave the gym.

Fast forward to this morning, and I still didn't feel well.  I knew that ROC Training was going to be at the Noland Trail, and I already knew this wasn't a good idea for me.  With the first Spartan race just 5 weeks away, I knew it would be a grueling workout.  And it should be.  It's what everyone needs at this point.  But right now, it's not what I need.  I had to swallow my pride, stuff down my severe case of FOMO, and face facts:

Today I needed to rest.  Today I needed to do what was best for me. Today I needed to do my own workout.

This afternoon I bundled up in my cold-weather gear and my new running shoes, and I went out with the pups for a 2 mile run.  We stopped at the park by the local elementary school so I could use the chin up bar, and I did 20 burpee pull ups and 25 push ups while the pups chilled out and watched me.  They are seriously the best trainers!  The cold air felt great as we headed back to the house, and my spirits were lifted.  I didn't do the 6+ miles on the trail that everyone else did today, but I did get out and train.  And for today, that was enough.

If you're like me and you sometimes feel like you're not working hard enough, or giving your all, or doing your best unless you're doing EVERYTHING...please take this one piece of advice.  Know yourself enough to know when to take a breath.  Know when you need a break.  Know when your body needs time, or maybe just a different experience.  It doesn't make you any less dedicated, and it certainly doesn't make you weak.  It's smart, and it will allow you to come back stronger.

Who's Having the Best Week Ever?? This Girl!

This week has been incredible!  I honestly keep pinching myself to be sure it is indeed real.  Here's a quick recap of why I'm so ecstatic:

1.  Last Sunday and today, I felt amazing at ROC Training.  Last week was more cardio intensive with lots of running between obstacles, and today was more focused on specific training of skills like climbing ropes and walls, grip strength holds, spear throwing, and even a low crawl.  Very different workouts, but I felt like I could tackle both and never needed to stop.  I'm getting more and more excited as my first Spartan race grows closer.  Just six weeks away!!

2.  I was able to do Team Week workouts at Jungle Gym this week and felt like I could really contribute to my team without holding back.  In the past, team workouts always made me nervous because I feared not being able to pull my weight or having to stop.  I never wanted to let my team down or be the weak link.  This week, I felt like I could truly give my all to help my team.

3.  I made it through an entire Kettlebell class WITHOUT STOPPING!  I did all the power swings, all the speed skaters, and all the jumping jacks!  I've been taking that class for years, and I've never been able to do that without stopping due to pain.  It was such an exhilarating feeling!!!


It's amazing to think that changes I've put in place have amounted to this huge of a transformation in my quality of life.  But I believe that small changes in turn mean other more significant changes, and the positive effects build.  By cutting out coffee, I'm not only reducing inflammation, but I'm also sleeping better.  By sleeping better, I feel more rested, which helps me make better choices about my diet.  I also have less stress, which in turn means less pain.  I try to follow my plan 100% during the work week, which is pretty easy since I just eat what I bring with me.  On the weekends, I'm a little more relaxed and enjoy some meals or drinks out with friends.  This balance seems to be working well, and I don't feel like I'm missing out on life.

What also excites me is I see changes on the outside as well.  Since I feel better, I can finally give my all during workouts.  This has led to more progress in a shorter amount of time, which is really motivating and keeps me going.  I'm seeing more muscle on my frame, and I'm also witnessing what my body can do!  I'm making slow and steady gains on smaller lifts and body weight exercises, and I'm excited to see how I do with the big lifts during PR Week at Jungle Gym.  Bring on the squats, presses, cleans, and deadlifts!

I took this photo today, and it perfectly sums up how I'm feeling.  I'm happy, I'm proud, and I'm hopeful for what's to come.  I thank God every day that I'm finding relief and truly getting to live in the moment and enjoy life.  And I honestly believe that my positivity is radiating out beyond just myself.  When we take care of ourselves, we can then take care of others.

Breaking Free

There are moments in life that might seem insignificant, but below the surface, something incredible is taking place.  Untrained eyes can miss it, and even we might not realize unless we take the time to look back and reflect.

For me, today was one of the those days.

It's Team Week in Jungle Gym, which typically means that groups of 5 or 6 people work together on various exercises to accumulate a number of reps.  The goal is to do your personal best but also support your team.  And no one gets left behind.  The group only finishes when everyone finishes.  Today was different though.  Today was an individual workout with a pyramid structure for 5 different exercises.  The rower, bear crawls, sled pushes, kettlebell swings, and burpee broad jumps.  Each exercise would increase in reps, lengths, or meters, and the ultimate goal was to complete 5 rounds in 40 minutes.

Normally, I would start panicking before I even started.  I would worry that I would be too slow or that I wouldn't finish.  Or God forbid, what if I was in too much pain or needed to stop?  But today, I told myself from the beginning...

You. Will. Finish.

The first round felt great, but by the second round I realized that adding another sled push or another length of bear crawls was no joke.  And the burpee broad jumps never got easier.  I was winded and my hips burned like fire.  But I kept telling myself...

"Just keep moving."  

One more length.  
One more rep.  
One more row.  

As I started Round 5, I realized others were finishing.  They drank water and chatted, which they most definitely earned the right to do.  And I began to feel that usual anger and disappointment with myself.  I was too slow.  I didn't finish in time.  I was in the middle of Round 5 when time officially ended.  I could've gave up.  I could've quit and walked out.  But another woman was willing to stay and keep working, and I couldn't leave without finishing as well.  I did my last round of burpee broad jumps and my 500 meter row.  It felt absolutely terrible.  At multiple points, I honestly fought back the urge to projectile vomit on the turf.  But as two friends waited with me while I finished, I felt the most amazing sense of triumph.  I collapsed on the floor until I caught my breath, but I was genuinely so happy.  I finished what I set out to do.  And I finished what my former self would've walked away from.

It was in that moment that I realized just how much I gained from not giving up.  And I also proved that I'm capable of so much more than what I sometimes believe.  This diet has allowed me to feel healthier and stronger, but the truth is, this desire to do more was always there.  It just needed to be set free.